Bullshit: To Buy or Not to Buy

“Accept the moment as it is,” they say. “Accept you as are you are now.”

It’s noon on a Tuesday and I’m in my pajamas in front of my computer. My hair continues to reek of the music festival we attended over the weekend and my dog paces back and forth, nudging me to take her out to play. In less than 24 hours, I’ve already faced multiple cancellations for work for the week. This is unusual and normally alarming but I remind myself that I’ve already edited multiple blogs for a dear friend, caught up on dishes and laundry and alongside a couple other clients, gifted rainbow hair for a woman with terminal uterine cancer. All the while, I’m avoiding the work that I’ve set out to do today: finish the lyrics for the last song on our album.

I keep finding myself trapped in the sticky web of social media. Between every other photo on Instagram being a sponsored ad for an already substantial corporation and not recognizing more than half of the faces I’m connected to on Facebook, I question why I continue to return like a hungry canine coming to have it’s nose shoved in shit.

So here I am: accepting that this is what it is. Facing the fact that life is suffering. That we can’t escape anything except for life itself.

But I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that this is all it is but I can’t help but to think that everything we enjoy has the potential to become our crutch. We put our weight into the things we enjoy so we can avoid the things that we don’t while secretly continuing to pick at the scabs until those crutches eventually give out. Then we’re left with scars, trying desperately to pick ourselves up again.

I understand why people gravitate and cling to their faith; you can’t blame them for seeking stability. It’s those who use those crosses in order to manipulate and control others and the world around them that I harbor a sound loathing for. It’s easy to kick someone when they are down. It’s even easier to convince someone that you can lead them to their rescue, or worse yet, be that savior, in order to utilize and take advantage of them.

This head-space that I occupy currently is a strange one. Feeling stuck between deep desires to connect & uplift and an incessant need to retract & disassociate has me feeling…unsorted. I don’t really have any answers, only more questions.

Does the acceptance of this moment mean that we’re content with how it’s going to affect us and the world surrounding moving forward? Is there a certain amount of time we should give consent to the the moment to understand what we need to do to change it? I’ve been hard on myself in the past for thinking that every little move is significant, for questioning my instinct, for being too strong-willed. It’s fair to say that my expectations for myself have been exceedingly difficult to live up to and that’s really no way to live.

But we have a responsibility to the people around us. To reconcile. To leave this world a better place than it was before. So how can we just accept anything?

I can’t.