Fake It Until You Make Nothing

Recently, I’ve had the feeling that I’m on some sort of precipice. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like — sometimes that cliff feels like it’s thousands of feet in the air looking down into a black abyss of mystery and the only thing you’ll see at the end is death. Other times, it feels like just a small hop and skip onto the next plain. I recognize that there is actually no drop-off at all and in fact, any move I make could be completely linear. It’s merely a matter of fear. Anxiety creates an illusion: shaping our thoughts and causing us to anticipate the worst.

But fear is just that: an illusion. One that we can control or allow to control us.

I have realized that I have let fear control me for the majority of my life (and I suspect that I’m not alone in this.) As a young child, this fear has stopped me from playing sports, taking dance classes and learning more instruments. It also stopped me from speaking to others and making friends. Just like an intuitive and aggressive canine, bullies could smell the fear in me and they were quick to sink their teeth into my dread.

But at some point, that changed. I’m not exactly sure when or how but I found myself biting back at those bullies. Once I did and I watched them back down, I grew confidence. As it turned out, I was stronger and wittier than I had any idea of. Once I got a taste of pride for sticking up for myself, I grew hungry for it and became quick at pouncing on anyone who messed with someone I cared for.

So now the question:

How do I use that same energy to keep asking for what I want? To fight my inner bully and tell her to back the fuck down?

If you already know what you want in life, you’ve got a leg up. Others may spend years, decades or their entire existence trying to find something they are truly passionate for. Some of us never have to find ourselves, it’s more of a matter of exploring all that we are, what we have to offer and how we can grow. But fear can stop us dead in our tracks, never allowing ourselves to move forward in what we know is our truth.

So what am I afraid of?

Fear of failure? Nah, I’m decent at reinvention and I find change exhilarating.

Fear of success? Um, hell no.

Fear of missing out? …..on what???

Fear of poverty? Of missing my bills? A legitimate fear, sure, but once you learn a valuable skill, you’ve got something to fall back on.

Fear of not being the best? You just have to be enough…right?

Ah, there it is.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of not being as capable or matching up with those who are successful.

Fear that I’ll be exposed as a fraud (damn Impostor Syndrome.)

But who creates the standards that we are living up to? When do we start to realize that every person is unique in their gifts? Comparison is fruitless and toxic; a waste of time and energy. A threat to our potential.

Speaking of toxic: the phrase “fake it until you make it” has good intentions but turns out to be more contamination to our productivity. It teaches us to be someone or something that we are not until we magically transform without putting in the actual work.

If we are not satisfied with who we are or what we are doing, acting like we’ve changed is merely sweeping the real issues under the rug (be it fear or whatever else is stopping you from living out your potential.) But until you actually sweep up those fears into the pan and take your shit out to the curb, that pile is going to grow and sooner or later, you’ll have a bully/rodent infestation.

And in fact, you haven’t made it at all. The one thing you are making is an utter mess for yourself.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice decent situations to hold out for the best situations. It’s easy to listen to our fear and hide behind another person’s ambitions but ultimately, if we’re faking it and sweeping our own dreams and fears under the rug, it will chip away at us until we’re a shell.

What am I unequivocally terrified of?

Regret. That I never took the risk. That I heard my heart loud and clear but chose to turn away and ignore it.

I’m afraid of letting myself down because at the end of everything and everyone, I have to live with myself.

But we can’t let fear control us. Fear is not a living, breathing organism.

You are.