Husband & Wife? Nah, Just Lifetime Collaborators
Tomorrow marks eight years since I have been legally bound by marriage to my partner.
Those words may read much more blunt or bleak than if I were to phrase it “It’s been eight years since I’ve been married to the love of my life!” and though I find there are numerous reasons to celebrate, I’m not writing about the fluff and romance of marital bliss. I’m here to say that the real picture is nothing like what social media or entertainment may portray. Though the majority of us may look up to “power couples,” candy-coated gestures and years of warm sunsets with your partner, romance doesn’t look much like what we’ve dreamt of.
But it is a work in progress and ultimately, it’s more rewarding to have earned something than to have it simply handed to you.
I should preface this by noting that I recognize that by being eight years married, by no means whatsoever, makes me an expert in marriage, relationships or love. It just makes me a specialist in my personal experience and that by sharing this, hopefully I can spark a few ideas on what your relationships mean to you.
Evan and I met in 2007. I was on the tail end of some of my most tumultuous years, not knowing that it would peak shortly after he entered my life. He too, had also been coming around after a dramatic shakeup in his personal relationships and we were both ready to head in another direction and to follow our aspirations. He stuck by when my world spiraled after losing everything in a fire, dragging myself through a cosmetology school and my job as a server on little sleep, pennies in my account and a busy rehearsal and show schedule…and then finally walking away from what I loved the most when the weight became too heavy: music and the band that I was in.
My anxiety, depression and PTSD kicked off our relationship. Prior to this, we had a couple months of partying in the beginning and then suddenly shit in my life got serious in a rapid succession. If nothing else, he proved to me that he was going to stick around no matter what. Even in the coming years when I was still unsure of who I was, where I was going and how to be the person I knew I already was…I tried to leave and he let me. But it sure didn’t last for long. The stubborn and defiant girl who makes up a significant part of me buckled. Instantly, I found that leaving was a mistake.
So we got married a year (or so) after I moved out of our apartment for night and suddenly 8 years later, here we are. It would be easy to carry on for days in a blog about each troubling moment we’ve had as a couple since then but the details aren’t important to the public. And just because Evan chose to spend his life with me does not mean that he agreed to have his life put on display…so I’ll respect his privacy as well as my own.
But honestly, I don’t know if we’ve worked out this long because we really work as a good team or because one of us, at any given time, had been too stubborn to let something we’ve worked so hard on crumble to pieces.
Because marriage isn’t romantic. Partnership isn’t about always agreeing with the same ideas or way of living. It’s a continuous push and pull of communication breakdowns, frustration, sensitivity, adamancy, compromise, connectivity, consideration, generosity and selfishness. It’s a decision that two people make to meet somewhere close to the middle with all of their baggage in tow. It’s an agreement to try to work together no matter the stakes.
I don’t think that marriage is something to necessarily look up to. It’s an institution recognized by the state, by a religion or other cultural authority. A marriage certificate doesn’t seem to mean or to offer much to a secular and modern couple and truth be told, I didn’t really come to this realization until after the license was signed and the wedding gifts unwrapped.
Though I don’t particularly believe in any social construct that is meant to straighten others into conformity, I do believe that humans are hard-wired for connection and that we do better as a team than as individuals. I also value loyalty and appreciate those who continuously offer the same, especially when the going gets tough. It’s important to note that every fiber of my being told me that I was making the wrong choice when I tried to walk away from Evan twice just over 9 years ago…and above all else, I trust my intuition.
I’m sure glad that I recognized those feelings right away and that he was generous enough to let me back into his life. Though we have tremendous work to do as individuals and as teammates, we’re getting there.
Here’s to you, babe.
