Self-Care, Altruism and Vulnerability

Last night, in a moment of depletion, I posted a social media status that remained on the internet for a total of 30 minutes before I promptly removed it…fearing that I would be forced to face those words at a deeper level and have an actual conversation about it.

That post read:

“Sometimes I feel like I would be better off with blinders on. I can handle the most volatile words said of or to me from someone I don’t know but facing disapproval or worse, disregard, from someone I care for ruins me. Working on it.”

The truth is, I thought of my partner who was sitting next to me and I pictured him asking me about the post, causing me to delete it in an instant. The thought of having to explore those emotions terrified me because I had already felt so much shame and guilt for allowing them to take up any of my energy when I had an abundance of support from others. I understood that I had just spent the entire day checking in on social media after we made a big announcement for a project that I am deeply invested in. When there were multiple people in my life (of whom I consider close) that had clearly skipped right over that announcement and carried on conversations with mutual friends of our’s, I let it eat away at me…presuming that my feelings for them were unrequited.

It’s impossible to remain subjective in this state of vulnerability. On one hand, I welcome those emotions and find it important to be transparent because these feelings are not unique to one or two people. On the other hand, the desire to armor up and move on sometimes seems like the only option to keep your head attached. I also realize that there are much larger issues surrounding me and I am automatically shaming myself for harboring ill-feelings towards people who likely have a plate full of their own issues.

I’m unsure why I feel shame around this. I don’t think it’s necessarily the worst idea to take a look around you and take note of who is supportive and who is not but I do think it’s dangerous to assume that anyone is intentionally hurting you. I worry that I care too much at the wrong time. I worry that I am selfish and that I do not personally uphold to the expectations I quietly put on my own friends and family. When I desperately try to keep focus on those who are lifting me up so I can continue to lift them, I worry that I am not seeing the larger picture. Mostly, I worry that I am selfish and that others can smell it from a mile away.

What do I take away from this? We are constantly told to follow our hearts. Be vulnerable. Take up space. Take care of and protect yourself.

And yet, when we try, the ground feels shakier and our legs go numb as if we were designed and conditioned to suffer.

How do we turn this around to be beneficial? We’ve been told time and again that how others judge us does not ever define us but instead, typically a reflection of their own insecurities. So how do we turn it off without isolating the people that we love? How do we ask for more help and regard without feeling desperate and self-absorbed? What happens when the judgement of ourselves is much worse than those around us?

Can we truly practice self-care and remain unselfish?

I don’t have any answers; only more questions.