Sitting in The Depths of Grief
When the quiet is aggressive and the stillness burns; when we become overwhelmed by the emptiness, we are sitting in the depths of grief. Exhausted from flailing against the current of our misplaced love, like a boulder at the bottom of the lake, we let go of control and in our loss, we sink.
“We’re all the dying kind” an angel sings. Her saccharine serenade pours from my speakers as I write this and coincidentally, her name is Joy. My body slumps into the chair and I glance beyond my screen into the woods beyond these walls. An entanglement of trees draped in snow present a tranquil landscape where our sweet boy was laid to rest.
He is gone and yet, his spirit is everywhere.
And a spirited boy he was; Zorro, a fearless 10lb pack leader who naturally taught the 5 dogs who followed in his footsteps about respect. The life of the party, he made sure to announce his arrival and continously remind us of his presence. Never coming empty-mouthed, he knew what he wanted and it was for you to throw his squirrel or a stick that seemed impossibly large for his little body.
Most notably, he was a lover. He constantly bathed his brother and sisters, his toys, his humans and he wouldn’t hurt a soul. Far from a hunter, he was much more curious and caring of the smaller animals that could have easily been his prey. Except for flies…he hated flies.
There is not a single doubt in my mind that dogs grieve the loss of another family member. On the evening of Zorro’s final moments, the entire pack surrounded him. Violet, our 2.5 year old female boxer, sat next to Zorro through the entire ordeal as if she was holding his hand to comfort him. Our youngest and newest pack member Pearl, a 9 month old female standard poodle, also joined Zorro and offered a paw on his bed as his body relaxed with the sedative. The other two, a 3.5 year old female boxer named Ruby and a 12 year old male pomeranian named Slater, continued to check on Zorro and their human companions as we wept. It seemed as if they understood as we all loved on Zorro until he took his last breath.
I woke in the middle of the night to Ruby releasing a sad howl in her sleep and my heart sunk. Was she dreaming of her brother? Does she know that he’s not coming back?
The next morning, I dropped Pearl off at the vet for her spay procedure. A few hours later, my husband and I took Violet to her training class leaving Ruby and Slater at home for 90 minutes. At the end of class before exiting the facility, I checked our indoor camera feed to see what Slater and Ruby were up to and the behavior I witnessed was different. Slater sat by the front door, barking in response to his sister as Ruby walked around the house, vocalizing in a peculiar way as if she was calling out for everyone who was missing. When the three of us returned ten minutes later, they were relieved but it was clear a few moments later that Ruby was still looking for the other two dogs.
While Pearl was still at the vet recovering from her surgery, we proceeded with Zorro’s burial. A balmy 30* and a half a foot of snow allowed for a beautiful and heart-wrenching service. We dug deep into the ground on our wooded property, a spot that Zorro seemed to pick himself prior to his euthanasia. Ruby, Violet and Slater joined us we said goodbye to Zorro one last time. They sniffed his body multiple times and Slater looked down into the hole as we lowered the box, almost as if he wanted to follow him in.
We cried together for hours, for days and without a doubt, the pack will never be the same.
Would we trade the lessons, the love, the loyalty and the sloppy wet kisses to prevent the excruciating void of our furry family?
Not a single chance.
Long live human’s best friend.
