Too Busy to Be Happy

I often get asked by clients how I find the time to do all of the things that I do.

The answer is that I don’t.

I don’t find the time and I’ll be the last person to lie and say that I “make” the time. While we must prioritize, we cannot create more hours in a day and we never know how many more days we have.

Those clients and friends who see that I am so busy and seemingly fulfilled don’t see the stacks of receipts that I should have been organizing and tracking for the past 8 months for my unpaid quarterly taxes. They don’t see the bags left unpacked from photo shoots, work travels and performances or the laundry piling up in my room, cycling through stations when I need to dress myself for the day. I don’t mention the abundance of text messages from family wondering when they will see me because I am inclined to answer a work email before I can schedule a time to see my mother. I don’t explain how I have been desperate to sit down at my piano, my desk to write or curled up to finish one of the five books that I started reading sometime in this last year…or two.

Don’t get me wrong, these are not complaints in any way. I am extremely grateful to be self-employed and 100% in control of my schedule. If I don’t make something a priority, the only person that I have to blame is myself and my over-eagerness and misguided time-management.

We equate busyness with productivity and success but anyone can appear to be busy and that work isn’t necessarily useful, relevant or fulfilling. I can’t count the number of times someone has asked me how I’ve been and the words “Just really busy!” fly out of my mouth and the the conversation carries on. What the hell does that mean, anyway? Busy with what?

Perhaps I haven’t been writing lately because I’ve kept myself so occupied and active that I haven’t given myself time to just do nothing and think about something other than what I am obligated to do next. Sometimes I feel like a robot who is so focused on one (or five) tasks that I don’t let my mind wander.

Yesterday morning I decided on a whim to clean the grout of my bathroom vanity tile. First of all…who says that? Secondly, why is this simple task worth mentioning? I digress. While vigorously scrubbing my little heart out, I realized just how much I fucking appreciated that turquoise tile and how lucky I am to have a bathroom at all, let alone the time and tools to keep it tidy. Then it happened, I lost myself in thought.

(I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this but that is entirely the point.)

Currently, there are a couple distractions in my life that I am becoming increasingly aware of that need to be cut. This has to be done to allow me to free up time and energy for head exploration.

I am busy but not fulfilled and it’s taken me until these last few years to distinctly understand the difference. For me, fulfillment is found through music. Through helping others. Through learning and sharing knowledge. Through making a positive impact on the world around me.

I often find it difficult to understand why more people aren’t driven to be helpful. I’m not sure if it’s more nature or nurture but I would be inclined to believe that it’s both. I can’t hold on the to the notion that people are inherently good if I think that everything we think, do and say is because of what we’ve been taught. Children are innocent, curious and emotional. Our hardness and skepticism comes with experience. While our anger and impatience may be natural responses, it seems as though our actions and reactions are learned.

The cost of selfishness and greed is overwhelming.

And perhaps I could do a lot better, myself.

I wonder how many people are equally empathetic, observant and connected as those who seem to be radiating at a higher frequency. Is empathy inherent? Does it take practice to keep yourself open to the energy of others? Does one consciously decide to close off and build a wall? In other times, is it just ignorance? Perhaps a way to protect ourselves? Are some of us just so encapsulated in our bubble, safe and secure in a fluffy cloud of privilege, that we don’t even know or care of the pain and suffering of those who have been dragged behind the truck of systemic oppression?

If a person is inherently good, naturally empathetic and aware of their own ignorance and they choose to ignore it, then 1+1=2 and that person is an asshole.

Right?

I suppose some people are motivated by fear and/or pain. Some are ignorant of their bubble and their lack of knowledge. Some are truly selfish assholes, which I still believe stems from a place of loneliness, self-hatred and cycles right back around to…fear.

So what…we just need more love?

Wow look, the world is cured.

Humanity is complex and because of that, so are our problems.

I suppose I’ll have to get back to scrubbing every crevice of this damn house before I can get any answers but it’s going to have to wait. Before I dive into my head, I’ve got some nature to explore. Cheers.